For
a new mom, there are few things more exciting than when your child starts to
speak. The ability to communicate means less frustration, right? For them,
maybe. For the parents, it is the beginning of learning to decipher toddler
code. I knew it the minute I heard my daughter's first words.
Somewhere
in the middle of night three hundred with no sleep, between her 90th diaper
change and waking up for work at 6:00am, she said it. "DADA." She
clearly meant "MAMA", and I knew it was just the beginning. I started
keeping a list of what she says, and what it actually means; it's a
Toddler/English dictionary. I figured it could be helpful to other new moms.
1. I don't need a tissue. This
means that the arm of whatever shirt you are wearing is
about to be coated with boogers. Green is the new black, folks. Plan ahead and
accessorize accordingly.
2. I
want grilled cheese. She
really wants peanut butter and jelly. She will be sure to let you know this
once you've wasted the $6.00 organic rice cheese, the last two pieces of bread,
and a half hour that you could have spent cleaning the kitchen.
3. I don't need any help! Get ready for a mess of epic proportions. You may be thinking paper towels will do, but save yourself the aggravation and just go right for the mop. She may not plan on making a mess, and she may not even think it's a mess when it's done. But, if she thinks it's worth doing without help, you're in for it.
4. I
don't want to take a nap. Not even close. She's exhausted, and you
know this because she just spent the last forty-five minutes cry-screaming a
hardcore version of "The Wheels on the Bus" and throwing her entire
Lego castle at you one piece at a time. The ugly truth here is that her napping
now would allow you to get some sleep tonight. If she can hold out until
between 5:00pm and 6:00pm, she will have just enough energy to hang out with
you until 45 minutes before you have to wake up in the morning.
5. I
can use the scissors all by myself. Maybe you left the latest issue
of InStyle on the coffee table, or
maybe you watch The Voice. Whatever
the reason, she knows bobs are in, and she's not waiting for an appointment.
6. I'm
going to give myself a time out. You may have only turned your
back for a minute, but it's already too late. By now, your keys have made their
way to the bottom of your toilet. But don't worry, she's sure she made the
right decision here, and it was totally worth it.
7. I
love you mommy. Whatever just happened is going to make you long for
the time you found your keys in the toilet. This time she knows, whatever she
just did is going to get her more than a time out.
8. Can I take a bath? This
just means she's thirsty.
9. You
can go home now (directed at your house guest). It's either
her birthday or some other gift-centric occasion . She has mostly likely opened
the last of her presents, and doesn't foresee any new ones on the horizon. If
whoever gave her the $80.00 outfit from Janie and Jack felt even a shred of
appreciation after it was denounced and left for the ball tied to a racquet
from the dollar store, this should take care of it.
10. Look what I can do! I hope
you have your phone handy. What she has
planned is probably going to require stitches or a cast. Dial 9, 1, and wait
for her to land.
11. OK,
I'll share it with you. She has handed you the item with the
intention of sharing. It's very simple; if you do not hand it back within eight
seconds receiving it, this child is going to self-destruct.
12. I
have to go potty! Get off the phone. Yes, she knows the call may be
important. No, she does not care.
13. I
don't have to go potty. You are probably in Target, and within
ten feet of the Restrooms. She has just swallowed a juice box whole, and most
of your bottled water. Oh, trust me, she has to go potty. She is just going to
wait until you are on the other side of the store with a full cart. Either
that, or she already went…on the floor.
